There is an article circulating through the internet that I was introduced to on courtship and dating. You can read it here. Anyways, I read a response by my friend and fellow blogger Luke Mason. Check out his article here. Here is my response to both of them.
Dating in our culture has taken on a totally different flavor than it had in the 30s and 40s. I actually agree with the method of dating they had back then. For those of you who don't want to take the time to read it, I'll summarize it real quick:
30's and 40's dating: Date multiple guys (or girls) at the same time, and you can't go out with a guy twice in a row. You have to date at least one other person between dates with the same person. So say that I, Alison, were going out with Phil on Tuesday night, but I want to go to a dance with him on Friday. I'd have to let Brad take me out on Wednesday before I could go out dancing with Phil.
The positives to this method are that you don't get emotionally or physically attached to "Phil" because it's weird going to second or third base with him when you're going out with "Brad" later that week. It's also weird to say "I love you" or "forever" to two different guys at the same time...just...no.
Modern dating: Go out with one guy (or girl) at a time for an undetermined period of time as many times as you want. As soon as you go out on one date, it becomes acceptable to do anything--with no moral or emotional barriers whatsoever.
The positives to this method are that...well...I can't think of any. ;P
Courtship: Remain single until you are of marriageable age, then a brave man who takes interest in you asks the father or father-figure for permission to pursue a courting relationship with the woman with the intent of marriage.
Positives to this method include: less temptation for a couple to go "all the way" before marriage, less chance for heartbreak, and keeping parents involved in one of the most important decisions in a "child's" life.
Now, on to my assessment of all three methods. (Please keep in mind that none of the systems are perfect and there's always going to be a loophole and a chance of failure)
I've always felt that there was something wrong with modern dating. I saw it as a recipe for disaster--teen pregnancy, boot camp for divorce, heartbreak, drama, the list goes on. And since I didn't know any better, I took the stance that courting was the only way to go. I defended courting with a militant devotion until I was about 15, when I began to question it.
If you took the time to read the original article, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that there are problems with courting. It is NOT perfect. What I failed to take into consideration was that while courting reduces the risk of heartbreak, pre-marital sex, and other problems, it increases the emotional destruction when it fails. Bob said he wanted to marry Jill, but a year into their courtship, he dumps her because she wasn't "the one" after all. How is this different from traditional dating? It's not! The only difference is that they're in their 20's and not in high school! Now of course there are courting relationships that blossom into beautiful romances and they live happily ever after. In fact, all marriages in western culture before the 20th century were some form of courting relationship.
Given this fact, it is easy to see where the position of, "Dating is a training ground for divorce" comes from. But the problem with this reasoning is that it's inductive. It takes what is true for the parts--or a small piece of data--and assumes it is true for the whole. There are dating relationships that have worked better than courting relationships. This is why I tend to agree with the author of the aforementioned article.
I can see the benefits of the "old-style" dating. It does keep the parents involved, because they would set the rules for it and hold the daughter (or son) accountable to not dating the same person twice in a row. But as the child grew older, they would relax the rules a little and allow their daughter (or son) to "go steady" rather than just date around. Then once the daughter (or son) reached marriageable age, it was up to the father to give permission in the end.
I would say that this old way of dating is better than both dating and courting because it combines their positive qualities and reduces their negative ones. Yes, there will still be heartbreak. Yes, there will still be drama. But I would like to argue that it is impossible to escape from either. When dealing with people--whether in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, a friendship, or whatever--there will always be drama and heartbreak. Friends have fights and stop speaking to each other, couples split up, coworkers will disagree. That is a part of life. If people think that they can "reduce" these things by not allowing kids to date, then they're foolish. I've never gone on a date in my life, and yet I've still been hurt. I've still dealt with mountains of drama. Yes, I've had a boyfriend, but we never went out. It still hurt when the relationship ended. Dating is NOT the problem. It's the people that are the problem. It's not going out dancing with Phil that's going to break someone's heart. Two friends could go out dancing and nothing would change between them. (For more info on friends of the opposite gender, see my post about it here) It's what happens afterwards that makes the different. It's the making out, the sex, the "I love you"'s, and the "forever"'s that change things. But going out for ice cream and walking the boardwalk is not going to hurt anyone.
Whew! That was a long post, and I apologize for my inability to be concise on this issue. This is something I feel passionately about. I started this blog because I wanted to make a difference, even if it was just one person. So please share the heck out of this because I want the world to know what the problems really are.
As usual if you have questions or comments I'll always appreciate them. Feel free to ask anonymously if you want, but don't leave a question unasked. The only dumb question is the one you didn't ask. Love you guys. :)
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